Guided

I do feel lost. My son died last summer in a tragic set of circumstances. My two daughters have spent the last 10 years criticising me for any perceived shortcoming I’ve ever had. I say, “perceived”, because their father( my ex-husband) has given them a lot of input on the subject. I’m so tired of trying to spend enough time with them so they can know me for who I am, not what they’ve been told. One lives in Brazil, the other one lives in Nebraska. I’m nowhere near either place, so flying there is very expensive. After my most recent trip to NE in March, to visit my daughter & her darling family (she’s married with a 2 year old son), I realized that she doesn’t have a clue who I am! She thinks I hate her husband because he’s a band director! I like her husband very much-my ex is a retired band director. I told her I enjoyed going to the games- I had always enjoyed the music. She said she knew I enjoyed being recognized by people! That was the part I hated!! I’d wear hats or hoodies, or sunglasses hoping no one would see me & drive me crazy through the whole game! The kids were with me til they were old enough to be in the band. That was the only place that I let the girls run around with their friends. I could see them everywhere they went! After this last visit, I’m finished. They won’t leave me alone in a room with my grandson (I have no idea why). My 3 kids are all successful- no thanks to their father. I put all 3 kids through college (undergrad). I’m proud to say they all completed grad. School. Jeremy was a lawyer at the time of his passing, Janet is a music teacher, & Jo is a diplomat. I feel lost because I don’t see any way of maintaining a relationship with either daughter. I live on disability and my finances are so tight, that plane tickets are out of reach, as are hotels where I always stay. So, I guess I will call them & try to stay close. I love them both dearly, but this is one sided at this point. I’m lost, I don’t think love is enough.